Shattered
by Zebrastreifen
Summary: "She was just standing there, staring at Olivia with panicky eyes, shaking and trembling and holding her breath because she knew if she allowed herself to breathe, she would hyperventilate or start sobbing uncontrollably, or maybe even both. And she just couldn't let that happen. Not here. Not with everyone watching."
1. Prologue

**Prologue.**

It all began with a coffee mug – or at least Alex knew that was how everything began _for them._ Not that it was the coffee mug itself, though. It was the fact that said coffee mug now lay shattered on the floor of the kitchenette in the 16th precinct after Alex had dropped it. And, sadly, "dropped" was an understatement. _Dropping_ a coffee mug wouldn't have been a big deal. It happened to a lot of people, and as long as they cleaned up after themselves, no one really cared about it. Unfortunately, in Alex's case, it was more than that. Much more - especially because Olivia, Elliot and Captain Cragen had seen her and were now staring at her. But no, that itself wasn't the problematic part either.

Eventually, how they found out that something was wrong wasn't because of the coffee mug itself. It was because Alex had let go of it while swirling around and pushing Olivia aside – Olivia, who had before gently and innocently placed a hand on Alex's side to guide her a few inches to the left so she could open the drawer Alex was partially blocking with her body. And now she was just standing there, staring at Olivia with panicky eyes, shaking and trembling and holding her breath because she knew if she allowed herself to breathe, she would hyperventilate or start sobbing uncontrollably, or maybe even both. And she just couldn't let that happen. Not here. Not with everyone watching! Alex bit her lip so hard it drew blood, but she didn't care. She kept her eyes locked to the floor, and when she stared at the pool of coffee getting bigger and bigger, for a brief moment, it felt like everything was over.

Suddenly, a harsh "There's nothing to see here, go back to work!" tore her out of her thoughts. Alex looked up briefly, shocked to see that a small crowd of people had gathered around her and was curiously staring at the scene. Luckily, Cragen's order was enough to send them all back to their desks – even Elliot had left, although he had already been there when _it_ had happened, instinctively knowing that there was nothing he could do right now. Alex opened her mouth to say something, but then realized she didn't know what to say, which scared her even more. After all, ADA Alexandra Cabot, made a living of talking. Of convincing people that the evidence she had just presented them with was conclusive and sufficient for a conviction. But sadly, she knew that there was nothing in the world she could say right now that would get her out of this. However, before she could even try, Cragen spoke again, and this time, what he said was addressed to her."Why don't you just take the rest of the day off?" It wasn't a suggestion, and although technically, Cragen wasn't her superior and therefore didn't have the authority to issue any orders, Alex knew the only thing she could do right now was run.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw that Olivia was about to follow her, and once again, Cragen put his foot down: "Let her go". Alex let out an involuntary but grateful sigh. This would only postpone their confrontation until after Olivia's shift, but at least it would buy her some time. Time she desperately needed to get her story straight – because she knew that the truth wasn't an option.


	2. Chapter 1

_Thank you very much for all the follows, favorites and reviews!_

 **Chapter 1**

It wasn't like Alex hadn't been expecting the doorbell to ring, but nevertheless, she flinched when it actually did. Knowing Olivia wouldn't give up until she had at least seen and spoken to her, she pressed the buzzer. Wordlessly, Alex opened the door to let Olivia in, not even bothering to formally invite her in. Instead, she just turned around and slurped back into the hallway of her condo, knowing that Olivia would follow her. The detective was surprised that, although Alex had left the precinct more than six hours ago, she was still wearing her work clothes - a dark blazer with matching slacks and shoes that looked so uncomfortable that she herself would probably kick them off the second she was home if someone could have even made her wear them in the first place. But part of Olivia felt like Alex's professional outfit was just another way of fooling everyone; another desperate attempt to keep up appearances. When Alex suddenly stopped, they were still standing in the spacious and luxuriously decorated hallway.

Olivia sighed: This was so typical of her! Letting her in far enough Alex could shut the front door so her neighbors wouldn't be able to see or hear them, but keeping her from actually being _in_ her apartment, signaling Olivia that she had no intentions of having her stay here for more than just a few minutes.

It was obvious that Alex wanted this to only be a brief visit – she just had to convince Olivia that she was fine so she would leave rather sooner than later. Except that Olivia knew Alex _wasn't_ fine: Regardless of Alex's outburst in the precinct, Olivia could tell that Alex had been crying and then attempted to cover it up with make up, and that alone almost broke her heart.

Their eyes met for a brief moment, and Alex knew Liv knew. "I'm sorry I pushed you", she tried weakly, hoping that if she started the conversation, she would at least have some control over it. Unfortunately, that didn't work. "We both know I didn't come here so you could apologize to me"

Dammit! Alex gulped, breaking eye contact again to stare at the furrows in the wooden floor beneath her.

"I'm sorry I touched you without your permission" Olivia started and then paused, waiting for some kind of response from the blonde. She noticed Alex was now pressing her lips together and her eyes shut, as if she were desperately trying not to see or say anything. Didn't mean she wouldn't be listening, though... "From what I could tell, my touching you really scared you", she added softly, and Alex gulped, still keeping her head down, but at least opening her eyes now to stare at the floor again. "I don't want to scare you like this again, so I won't touch you, but can you please look at me?"

Alex knew Olivia's request was reasonable and – in a way – justified, and she also knew her promise was sincere, but nevertheless, she hesitated. Biting her lip and still avoiding her friend's gaze, Alex mentally cursed herself. Why did this have to be so difficult? By acting the way she did right now, she would only confirm what Olivia was already thinking. And that wasn't even true! So eventually, Alex was forced to look Olivia in the eyes, mumbling an "I'm fine" of which they both knew it was a lie.


	3. Chapter 2

**_A/N: Sorry it took so long. I've been super busy lately, but I promise I won't abandon this fic (just as I haven't abandoned all my other unfinished stories. I promise!)_**

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 **Chapter 2**

Olivia sighed. "No, you're not fine." She stated matter-of-factly. "You haven't been yourself in weeks, Alex! Something's been going on. At first I thought it was nothing. Then I thought you'd tell me when you're ready. But truth is, I'm no longer sure about that. I'd never make you tell me anything you're not ready to talk about. And if it's just about me; if you don't want to tell _me_ specifically, I can get you help. The only thing I'm asking you to do is to stop denying something's wrong. We've been standing in your goddamn hallway for the past half hour, Alex! I guess it's fairly obvious you don't want to let me in – literally and figuratively. And you don't _owe_ me an explanation. I just want you to know that I care about you. I'm here for you. All you have to do is stop shutting me out, Alex."

Olivia's words felt like a punch in the gut. She had noticed! How could she have noticed? Up until the coffee mug incident today, Alex had really thought she had been successfully keeping up appearances. Of course it was true what Olivia was saying: Alex _had_ been jumpy and exhausted and different lately. And it was also true that she had been hiding, had secretly been falling apart. But the worst thing about it all was that she didn't even have the right to...

Desperately trying to suppress the familiar sting of tears in her eyes left Alex incapable of any type of verbal response, but Olivia wasn't ready to give up yet.

"Please talk to me, Alex", she pleaded softly, and the gentleness in her voice broke Alex's heart. She couldn't let all these overly dramatic scenarios rummage around in Olivia's head! Not if they were completely inaccurate. Gathering all the courage she had, Alex even managed to look the detective in the eye. "I promise it's not what you think, Liv!"

This time, it was Olivia who didn't respond, and Alex had watched enough suspects and witnesses being questioned to recognize the tactics behind it: Olivia didn't want to interrupt her but get her to start talking. And the most annoying part was that it worked: No matter how desperately she was trying to suppress it, Alex did feel the need to elaborate on what she had just said.

"I flinched when you touched me. I dropped my coffee mug. I pushed you away. I think I even screamed. And then I just froze before I started trembling and eventually ran out of the precinct although it was the middle of the day. I know what it must look like to you." But she couldn't let Olivia think _that_! After all, it was her own damn fault, so she didn't have the right to lead Olivia to believe she'd been raped. They shouldn't even be having this conversation!

Alex fell silent, yet again avoiding her friend's gaze.

"Alex?" Olivia said softly, gently encouraging her friend to continue. And after a while, Alex did, but her voice was barely more than a whisper.

"It wasn't rape"  
"If this it where you're at right now, that's perfectly fine..."  
"No! No, it's not. You're making it sound like it's just some stupid process that I'm going through right now - some psycho bullshit about the steps from denial to acknowledging what happened. But _nothing_ actually happened, Liv, okay? NOTHING!"

Olivia was caught off guard by Alex's outburst – this was by far the longest utterance she had heard the blonde had make since "the incident" this morning, and Olivia was fairly certain it was also the first time she had ever heard Alex curse. Even Alex herself seemed surprised by what she had just said. And there it was again: This panicky, shameful look on her face. Their eyes met again for the last time before Alex finally averted her gaze for good.

"Liv? I need you to leave. Please leave."  
And a fraction of a second later, Olivia found herself standing in the outer hallway again, wondering what the hell had just happened.


	4. Chapter 3

_**Sorry this took so long - I promise you're not going to have to wait another month for the next chapter! Just let me know whether you're still reading this - and whether you liked it or not!**_

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Twenty-eight hours and forty-two minutes. That was how long it had been since Alex had kicked Olivia out of her apartment. The blonde ADA was sitting at her terrible expensive and terribly chaotic desk in her apartment, staring out of the window into the night. It was almost ten pm and she was still buried in paperwork – not that that wasn't her own fault, though. She had thought about calling in sick this morning, but had quickly dismissed that thought and dragged herself to work, purposely avoiding the 16th precinct all day. So instead, she had – yet again – brought work home with her, feeling guilty about having left work so early the day before. The only problem was that she couldn't focus. No matter how hard she tried not to think about what had happened (and could have happened), certain images just kept flooding her mind: The look in Olivia's eyes when she had pushed her away. Staring at the broken coffee mug on the floor, wondering whether everything was falling apart now. Fleeing the scene. Kicking Olivia out of her apartment. Crying herself to sleep on the couch after reading the text message Olivia had sent her after Alex had been ignoring her calls for almost an hour.

Ever since last night, she had probably re-read Olivia's text message more than a hundred times, but she still hadn't texted back, not knowing what to say. How did one respond to a resignedly-sounding " _I'm worried about you, Alex but I'm not gonna force you to tell me anything – I just want you to know that I'm here for you, okay?_ " - With an " _I know_ "? With " _Thank you_ "? With " _Please stop saying that because I'm terrified I might actually tell you and I can't ever let that happen_ "?

Alex involuntarily shook her head as if she could dismiss her thoughts and worries by just shaking them out of her mind hard enough. Of course that didn't work, though. So instead, she got up to refill her coffee mug once more, trying to push the memory of _the incident_ of the previous morning away. If she just worked hard enough – she figured – she could just take it all back: If her work performance didn't slip now; if she just kept pretending everything was fine, people would eventually forget about how she had freaked out in the precinct, right? She grabbed yet another file from her desk. Flipped through it. Frowned. Sighed. Got up again to grab a specialist book on law. Flipped through it. Frowned. Sighed. Got up again to grab more coffee. And started again.

Just before the sunrise was painting Manhattan in a kitschy pink-orange, Alex had worked through all files on her desk and read up on some weird kind of brain injury a particularly pain-in-the-ass-y attorney was planning on using as a defense strategy for his client who had gone on a rape-and-killing-spree, seemingly because his altered brain anatomy had made him do it.

Although she had actually watched the sunrise, Alex still seemed to be surprised by the fact that it was indeed morning already: She flinched when the alarm on her phone went off. Jumping to her feet, Alex suddenly felt so dizzy she had to get hold of the tabletop to steady herself. _Oops._ She took a deep breath, waiting for the dizziness to subside, but instead, guilt was creeping up: She had just pulled yet another all-nighter and hadn't eaten anything since lunch the day before. But so what? She was fine.

Okay... Maybe she should have gotten some sleep. Should have eaten more and had less caffeine. But eventually, this wasn't any different from finals week in law school, was it? And now, she was an ADA for the Special Victims Unit in Manhattan, for god's sake! She had known right from the beginning what she was getting herself into, hadn't she? Alex sighed loudly. She was fine - didn't have any right _not_ to be fine. After all, nothing had happened.

Right?


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Alex flinched at the knock on her office door. Even through the half-closed blinds, she could easily make out Olivia's shape. _Fuck._ The ADA glanced towards the clock on her desk. 2:18 pm. Oops. She had promised herself some breakfast "in half an hour or so" more than seven hours ago...

Another – this time almost gentle – knock. Regarding the fact that Olivia, too, could see through the blinds, there was no point in pretending not to be in her office. Moreover, it had been more than two full days since the "coffee mug incident" and a little less since she had kicked Olivia out of her apartment the other night. The ADA sighed. Of course she'd known she wasn't going to hide forever, but part of her was genuinely scared of what was about to come. However, she was also aware that she had been treating her friend unfairly, so she figured she had to at least let her in.

Upon Alex's permission, Olivia opened the door, but before she had even managed to set foot into her friend's office, the blonde asked firmly: "What do you want?". With a sigh, the detective quickly stepped inside and closed the door behind her. "I brought takeout" She replied simply, holding some boxes up as evidence.

"I'm busy" The ADA tried, surprised by Olivia's immediate head-shaking. "No, you're not. I ran into your intern on my way up. And I mean literally ran into him! He was basically jumping out of the elevator and said, quote ' _Today's the best day ever! First, I got to do some really cool stuff and now ADA Cabot sent me home because there's literally nothing left to do, man!_ ' unquote."

Alex rolled her eyes but couldn't help but chuckle. "He's very young - still in high school. Sophomore, I think. His uncle is friends with Arthur Branch, that's why he got the internship in the first place..."

"I figured. Doesn't mean he's lying, though..."  
"Just because there's nothing to do _for a sixteen-year-old_ doesn't mean _I'm_ not busy, Liv!" Alex spat out defensively, and Oliva sighed. "Listen. I'm not going to argue with you about whether you're busy or not. But no matter what, you've gotta eat at some point, right? Look – I just came here to bring you lunch..." "... and to check up on me because I kicked you out of my apartment the other night and haven't talked to you since" Alex added sadly, and Olivia couldn't help but agree. "Yeah, that, too..."

The blonde crossed her arms defensively. "I'm fine" She tried weakly, fully aware that Olivia wasn't going to believe that anyway. "As I said: I don't want to argue with you, Alex – neither about whether you're busy or not, nor whether you're okay or not. The question right now is: Have you eaten?" Alex sighed, contemplating to lie to Olivia yet again, but to the brunette, her friend's silence had already been enough of an answer. "I thought so" Olivia stated worriedly.

Silence.

"Twenty minutes" The detective offered. "We eat, and then I'll go – that is if you want me to." She could tell by the conflicted expression on her friend's face that – despite her concessions – she was not fully convinced yet. "I'm not gonna ask you any questions about the other night, and I don't expect you to talk about it, either. You're more than welcome to do so if you're ready, but I won't force you. As I said: Right now, all I want to do is make sure you don't starve to death." Olivia gave her a shy smile. "I got the roasted-veggie-and-mango-curry you like so much" She held up one of the boxes and placed it on Alex's desk in a sudden flash of boldness.

The blonde bit her lip. She hadn't eaten in more than 24 hours, and although she hadn't been feeling particularly hungry earlier, the delicious scent that was now invading her nostrils was tempting enough to convince her.

"Just lunch?" Alex double-checked suspiciously.  
"Just lunch" Olivia confirmed. "No questions, no pressure. I promise."

The blonde nodded and gestured towards the chair standing opposite of her.  
"Twenty minutes."

That she could handle, right?


	6. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Told you I was going to update soon :) In return, please actually read this and don't just scroll down!  
**_

 _ **First things first: Thank you so much for all your reviews, favorites and follows! They mean the world to me, although I have to admit I hadn't really expected this story to have that much of an impact. Although this may sound egocentric, but I started writing this story for me, not for anyone else, hoping it would help me sort through some things. Therefore, seeing everyone so eager for some deep, dark revealations makes me kind of nervous, because I don't want this story to turn into some generic, overly tragic and dramatic worst-case scenario.**_

 _ **As for this story, my intention is to convey deep, authentic emotions and not a "quick fix" of superficial and broad sensationalism. Sometimes things can be pretty bad already without having to be 'the worst thing that could have happened'. And for some wounds, it takes you a while to notice how deep they go and how much they hurt. And then you're torn between actual, terrifying pain and the mean little voice inside your head telling you to just 'pull yourself together and get over it'.**_

 _Eventually, this is what this story (really) is about: Being torn - Hence the title, *Shattered*, as in 'feeling like you've been smashed into pieces that you doubt will ever fit together again'. It's about trying to make sense of the fact that you don't seem to be able to keep it in(side) any longer because there's this giant hole that your mind, your sanity, your sense of integrety and safety just seem to be pouring out of and you don't know how to stop it. This story is about learning that being hurt and scared doesn't mean you're weak. That being human comes with being vulnerable sometimes - and that there are people out there that are never going to use that against you - people you can trust. So I guess ultimately, this story is about the surprising, confusing, scary realization that maybe - just maybe - you don't have to pick up the pieces alone if you allow yourself to let someone in..._

 _(wow - this turned out a lot longer than I had expected it to be..._ _Please let me know whether anyone actually read this!)_

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 **Chapter 5**

They ate in silence, which neither of them seemed to mind. Being busy eyeing the blonde from time to time, it took Olivia longer than usual to finish her meal. Alex, too, seemed to be eating at a much slower pace, and Olivia couldn't help but wonder whether she was doing it on purpose so the 20 minutes she had promised the detective would be consumed by a wordless lunch alone, legitimating kicking Olivia out of her office without actually talking to her – but without breaking her promise either.

When Alex finally stuffed the plastic fork and napkin into the empty to-go container, twenty-two minutes had passed. They both knew the time precisely because their eyes had locked after glancing at the clock on Alex's desk. The blonde looked away, guiltily biting her lip. Olivia took that as a not-so-subtle cue to leave, but she realized she couldn't. Not yet!

"Alex?" The brunette started gently. "You've made it more than clear that you're not ready to talk about it, but there's one... thing I just _need_ to ask you, okay?"

Alex's breath caught and she couldn't help but avoid Olivia's gaze. _Shit._ She tried to control her breathing, forcing herself to breathe in and out, in and out. _Oh god. Oh god. Oh..._ Granting the blonde a moment to compose herself, Olivia patiently waited, this time knowing better than to touch Alex. Instead, she repeated her friend's name softly, waiting for Alex to bring up the courage to look at her.

"Hey" Olivia said softly, acknowledging the brief eye contact Alex had forced herself to. Olivia felt dumb when she opened her mouth to say something and then closed it again, but she knew she had to phrase her question carefully if she didn't want to scare Alex off. Another moment of suspenseful hesitation had passed. Liv sighed, knowing this wouldn't get any easier.

"I'm not going to ask you what happened" She finally started, "- and as I said: You don't have to tell me. But please..." Olivia sighed. It was part of her job description to ask difficult questions! So why was this so hard for her? The answer was as simple as it was obvious: Because it was Alex. That's why it was so hard. So scary. And so unbelievably necessary for her to ask, even if she was afraid of the answer:

"Are you safe?"

Alex gasped, surprised at her friend's question.  
"I don't know" The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, and despite the confused look on Olivia's face, Alex had to admit to herself that it was true.

Safe how? She sensed that Olivia's question had predominantly aimed into the direction of domestic abuse. And with regards to that, she _was_ safe: Eventually, there was no one waiting for her in her apartment, willing to harm her. At least not physically. And – well. No one _else_. No one _real_. But was she safe in her own mind? Safe in her own body? It surely didn't feel like it...

Alex visibly cringed at the memories that were flooding her mind.

 _Hands on her body._

 _Emotions twirling around in her mind._

 _First excitement._

 _Then doubt._

 _Then shame._

 _Utter fear._

 _And then, suddenly... pain._

 _Oh god. No. No! No-no-no!_

 _Silent pleas that never left her mind - pleas she had never said out aloud:_

 _I'm sorry, I can't._

 _Please stop._

 _I need you to stop._

 _Please don't!_

 _Stop._

 _Stop!_

 _STOP!_

 _The impulse to just run and never turn around - to hide in a hole and never ever come out._

 _A strangled cry that never came out of her mouth._

 _A wave of disgust washing over her._

 _Then... darkness._

If _it_ had _truly_ been a safe place for mind, it wouldn't have shut off completely, would it? So why couldn't she remember anything that had happened _afterward_? _Post-traumatic amnesia_. The term had intruded her mind over and over again. But it couldn't be _anything like that_ , right? She wasn't _traumatized_ , right? I mean – eventually, _nothing had happened_. She should just get over it - should have _gotten_ over it months ago.

Except that she hadn't.

Suddenly, Alex couldn't breathe, and more psycho-terms fired around in her head. _Panic attack. Flashback. Trigger._ But they all didn't apply to her, right? She wasn't _reliving_ anything – just _remembering_ it. And it wasn't like she really, genuinely couldn't breathe. She knew how to breathe. She just had to remind herself of how it worked: Unclench your jaw. Let go. Breathe in slowly. Feel the air streaming into your lungs. Breathe out. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. See? If this were a _real_ panic attack, she couldn't be coaching herself, right?

She knew _who_ she was (ADA Alexandra Cabot), knew _where_ she was (in her office) and with whom (Olivia). Oliva! _Fuck!_ Liv was here. She was here. Watching her. Judging her! She had to be, right? But she couldn't let her see this! Alex turned away abruptly, only afterwards realizing that her sudden movement must have looked like she were jerking away from some invisible attacker.

"Alex? Alex! Look at me! It's me, Olivia – it's just me."

Of course it was, but that was bad enough already! Alex clenched her eyes shut. It wasn't like she was trapped in some dark part of her mind she couldn't escape from. She just didn't _want_ to. And that was an important distinction, right? She was in control. For now, it was simply easier to let Olivia think she couldn't hear her. Maybe it was rude. Manipulative, even. _Morally wrong,_ for god's sake. Okay. But at least she was in control. It was a conscious choice. A bad, unfair choice maybe, but _her_ choice, wasn't it?

Of course, if she _really_ weren't able to hear Olivia's voice – if she _really_ didn't know where she was or whom she was with or that everything was just in her head, she'd be in trouble. But she was just faking it. She was in charge. She was okay. Right?

* * *

"Alex? Can you hear me? Please. You're scaring me." Olivia paused, desperately trying to hide the panic in her voice. "Please... I... I just need to know whether my words are getting through to you, okay?" A hiccuped breath was the only response she got at first, but Liv decided to go with it. "You're safe, sweetie." She whispered gently and let out a sigh of relief when Alex finally did open her eyes. But her friend's low, fragile, timid voice broke her heart.

"Then why doesn't it feel like it?"


	7. Chapter 6

**_Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad some people actually read the A/N :)_**

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 **Chapter 6**

Olivia was surprised by her friend's confession, but she tried not to let her face give that surprise away. Eventually, she was glad that Alex was finally opening up, and she didn't want to ruin that by doing anything that would scare her off now. For the past couple of days – weeks, even! – Alex had been denying anything was wrong. Now that she had finally admitted she was _not_ as _"fine"_ as she had been saying, was a huge step forward!

The question was: What now? Olivia mentally scolded herself. She was a trained professional, for god's sake! But as much as she hated to admit it: Most (if not all) her professionalism was out the window now that it was _Alex_ who was … what, actually? Hurting? Definitely. Hurt? Probably.

Just seconds before Olivia could decide what to say, a mumbled apology tore through the silence ."I'm sorry you had to see this, Liv" _Fuck._ The shame in the blonde's voice tore Olivia apart. Alex was _apologizing_ for breaking down in front of her! _Apologizing_ for letting her guard down for once, _apologizing_ for finally letting her in!

"I'm glad you let me see this, Alex" The detective countered promptly. "And I'm glad you haven't run away or kicked me out this time" She added with a weak and worried smile, unsure whether she had just inspired her friend to do just that. Seconds turned into minutes, and neither of them had said a word.

"Alex?" Olivia started gently. "What do you need me to do?"

She knew she was treading on very thin ice, and she was glad she had phrased the question with "need", not "want": She didn't doubt that Alex _wanted_ her to leave and pretend nothing had happened, but she wasn't so sure whether that was what she _needed_ right now. But could she even trust Alex to give her an honest answer instead of trying to maintain her icy facade of not needing anything from anyone?

Yes, Olivia decided. Alex had let her in already! She had not run or kicked her out when she had felt the first symptoms of her panic attack bubbling up. She had openly admitted she wasn't as okay as she had been saying. She wouldn't just push her away again now, would she? Noticing the blonde was biting her lip, Olivia encouragingly smiled at her.

"Maybe we can get some dessert?" Alex finally suggested. "That is – only if you want to..."

Yet again, Olivia tried not to let her surprise show. Instead, she nodded, and only half an hour later, they were sitting at a corner table in a nice little cafe. Before they had left the building, Alex had excused herself to the bathroom to fix her make-up, and now, Olivia incredulously watched Alex smile widely at the waiter who was bringing their order. _No longer hiding_ my ass! Olivia sighed.

Once again, they ate in silence, sharing a gigantic piece of chocolate cake of which Alex only ate a few spoonfuls. Instead, the blonde seemed to be entirely focused on her coffee, but Olivia sensed that it was only a welcome distraction from the elephant in the room. For a second, Olivia wasn't sure whether Alex hadn't just offered going out for dessert to avoid some deeper conversation she knew they wouldn't be having in a cafe, but she quickly changed her mind when Alex broke the silence:

"Thank you" She mumbled quietly.  
"For what?"  
"This." Alex gestured awkwardly between them and their table.  
"I didn't say I was paying" Olivia joked, and Alex couldn't help but chuckle.  
"Come on. You know what I mean!"

The detective grinned. "Do I?" Immediately noticing the blonde's sudden discomfort, Olivia backed off. "I'm just kidding, Alex." She hesitated for a second. This was uncharted territory. What Olivia had hoped for was a brief opportunity to semi-secretly check up on her friend and feed her some lunch. Except for that, she had now witnessed Alex having a breakdown and/or panic attack plus her friend's first attempt in reaching out instead of hiding behind her icy mask. She really didn't want to ruin that now!

"Just for the record: You're welcome. And I really want you to know that I'm here for you, Alex. Not just for Indian takeout and cake, but for whatever it is you're going through right now."

Olivia eyed the blonde carefully, afraid she had – yet again – crossed a line and – yet again – scared Alex off. But instead, Alex just lowered her head and mumbled a barely audible "I know".


	8. Chapter 7

**Quick update, short chapter... The "olfactory trigger" thing is not an actual quote but something I made up. I don't even know whether the expression is being used in English, but if it works for you, it works for me :) Just let me know please!**

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 **Chapter 7**

If it was a shattered coffee mug that had set the ball rolling, it was the smell of aftershave that finally brought Alexandra Cabot down. Not just the smell of _an_ aftershave, of course, but _his_ aftershave. On her way down the stairs in front of the court building, a stranger had accidentally bumped into her. Although she was certain it wasn't _him_ , he was wearing the same aftershave which had triggered a flood of memories she couldn't stop.

"Olfactory triggers, i.e. the smell of something connected and associated with the traumatic event, pose a particularly powerful – and oftentimes overwhelming – access to traumatic memories, thereby causing symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder such as flashbacks" - A smart little sentence Alex had once read in a booklet on trauma and PTSD, only years later understanding its full meaning and magnitude.

 _His body pressed against hers. His hands on her breasts, than lower – much lower. Fear blocking her ability to speak. A simple NO would have probably done it – he didn't seem to be the kind of guy to not take No for an answer. But this magic little word never came out of her mouth. So it was her own fault, right?_

Alex's jaw was clenched shut, her jaw muscles so contracted she was unable to breathe. _Oh god. Not again. Not now! Not here!_ She tried to force herself to relax, but it didn't seem to work this time. It was when Alex could feel the tears stinging in her eyes that she realized she had to get away from here – she couldn't just break down on the stairs, out in the open and for everyone to see! She was at work, for god's sake! What if one of the defense attorneys saw her like this? Or a judge? Hell, _anyone_ for that matter! Right now, she probably looked so fragile and pathetic that even Langdon wouldn't use it against her but probably call an ambulance - which would be even worse.

So Alex did what she thought was her only option right now: Run towards the lady's room and hide. She wasn't even sure how long she'd been hiding out in there – all that mattered was that she'd done it in the first place. Hiding in the lady's room to cry – god! In her opinion, there were only two types of people that were _allowed_ to do that: overworked and overwhelmed interns and/or newbies who were completely caught off guard by the glimpses into the darkest parts of the human psyche this job brought along, and _the real victims -_ and it wasn't like she belonged to any of these two categories, right?

Alex was torn from her thoughts when the cleaning lady who had absentmindedly dragged her supplies cart from stall to stall knocked on Alex's toilet door. "This is last bathroom. Fifteen minutes, then I lock building. You go now, no?"

Alex forcibly pulled herself together, opened the door, nodded politely and sneaked outside. She immediately shuddered when the cold night air hit her tights-covered legs. _Holy!_ At least it was dark already so no one would notice the smudgy traces of mascara running down her cheeks... She could just run and nobody would even care. The question was: Where to?

* * *

 **Sooo.. where (or rather: whom...!) should I send Alex to?**


	9. Chapter 8

_**... although it shouldn't be too surprising for you to read where Alex ends up going, I do hope you like it :)**_

* * *

 **Chapter 8**

Hearing footsteps approaching the door to her apartment, Olivia jumped off the couch, her legs getting tangled in the blanket she had before draped over her body. She cursed loudly as she tripped but managed to regain balance. _God. This day better be over soon!_ At least she was going to have pizza...

Olivia hastily opened the door. "That was quick!"

"What?"

Olivia froze when she realized that the person standing in front of her wasn't the delivery boy she'd been waiting for but Alex. Alex who had obviously been crying. Alex who had just showed up on her doorstep at 10 pm!

"You're not the pizza guy" Olivia stated dumbly, and Alex tried her best to suppress a sarcastic "You don't say" because the alternative would have been to apologize to Liv. And in her opinion, she'd already made a fool of herself plenty of times within the past week, so "Sorry I'm not the pizza guy" seemed particularly silly. Instead, it was Olivia who apologized, simultaneously taking a step backwards to invite Alex in.

The blonde was still frozen to the spot and Olivia noticed a brief flash of panic in Alex's eyes, but she knew better than to grab her friend's wrist to keep her from running away – regarding her terrified reaction when she had last touched her, she opted for a verbal reassurance this time:

"It's okay, Alex. I'm glad you came here."

The elevator pinged and a pimple-faced teenaged boy with apparently zero social skills stepped out, interrupting them without even seeming to notice. "You Ms. Be..." He glanced at the illegible scribble on the receipt. "Beasen? Bison?" "Benson, yes." "Awesome. 10,75 please!"

Olivia fumbled a twenty-dollar-bill out of her pocket and handed it to the teenager who stared at her dumbly. "Keep the change!" She added, her eyes still fixed on Alex who hadn't yet decided whether to stay or run. "Awesome, man!" The boy exclaimed enthusiastically before he corrected himself. "I mean, ma'am. I mean... Thank you very much!"

It took him another couple of seconds to realize his job was done. When the elevator doors finally closed, giving the two women their privacy back, Olivia tapped on the closed lid of the pizza box.

"I could really use some help eating all this..."

Although Alex was fully aware that Olivia was just using some reversed-psychology-backdoor-approach on her, it seemed to work. Helping a friend eat an enormous pizza made it seem like Olivia was the one needing Alex, not the other way round. Guiding Alex into her apartment, Olivia put the pizza box on the living room table and gestured towards the couch. "You look like you could use a blanket" She stated casually and ran off, only to return with a fuzzy, cozy blanket a few seconds later. They both sat down on opposite sides of the couch, each snuggled into a blanket.

"Help yourself with the pizza!" Olivia offered, hesitatingly eyeing the blonde. It was obvious that she'd been crying. What was new though was that she hadn't even bothered trying to hide it.

"Alex..." Liv started worriedly.

"Don't. Please... I just..." She inhaled deeply and let out a shaky breath. "Not now, okay? Let's just eat first... please!" Olivia nodded. "If you tell me not to push it, I won't" She promised, and she held her word. After they (mostly Olivia) had devoured the pizza, Liv shot Alex a questioning glance. Alex immediately understood the unspoken "What about now?" and averted her gaze, almost shamefully shaking her head. An accepting "Okay" was Olivia's only response. She hesitated for a brief moment. "So I guess if pizza doesn't do the trick, some mind-numbing TV won't help, either?" Alex shrugged. "I'll take that as a _No_ " Olivia concluded, "...but I just had a better idea anyway!" She jumped off the couch and rummaged through some drawers.

"Found it!" She exclaimed triumphantly, returned to the couch and dropped a deck of UNO cards on the table. "Are you serious?" Alex frowned. "Yup. Hey... don't judge me! It's a great game! Give me a second. I'll put on some music" The ADA couldn't help but chuckle at her friend's enthusiasm.

"So what's next? A blanket fort?"

"Let's see what the night will bring!"

… and so they ended up on Olivia's couch at midnight, surrounded by crumbles of pizza crust and greasy fingerprints on UNO cards - and ironically, that was exactly what Alex needed.


	10. Chapter 9

**_A/N: Shorter than usual, but better than nothing, I assume... And eventually, it's just the prelude to something else..._**

* * *

 **Chapter 9**

"Why are you doing this?" Alex asked lowly, and Liv looked down at the _Draw Four_ she had just played. "Because I can" she replied smugly, but she could tell from the confused look in the blonde's eyes that she hadn't been talking about Liv's UNO tactics.

"Not the draw fours - I was asking about _this_." Alex gestured around awkwardly and Liv did her the favor of not making her elaborate on what exactly it was she meant. "Because I care" she said instead, barely altering her previous answer.

Alex was caught off guard by the simplicity of Liv's statement. After a while, the detective added sadly: "...and because I feel like kicking your ass in UNO four times in a row as all I can do for you right now" "How about not kicking my ass and letting me win for once?" Alex suggested in an attempt to overturn the sudden change of mood but Olivia quickly retorted: "I don't think you would want me to treat you with kiddy gloves, Lex", leaving the blonde completely baffled.

It hurt how accurate Olivia's observation was. Alex avoided her friend's concerned gaze, completely lost in thought. They both knew their conversation was no longer about the card game.

"Alex?" The detective prodded gently, yet giving her friend space by waiting a few seconds before she continued: "So far, you've made it more than clear that you don't wanna talk about it. And I respect that - I really do. But just because I'm not bombarding you with questions doesn't mean I don't see you're hurting. I don't want to scare you off by telling you what I'm noticing and observing, and I don't want you to feel cornered. But that doesn't mean I don't notice certain things in the first place. I'm trying my hardest not to make you feel pressured or like I'm walking on eggshells around you"

Liv paused for a second, visibly conflicted. "I can tell you've been crying, Alex. And you've never before showed up at my place for something not-work-related this late. Don't get me wrong: I'm really glad you did! I just... I mean... you came here for a reason tonight, didn't you?"

Thick silence hung in the air, and for a moment, Liv was sure Alex was going to run or hide or slip back into her denial, but she didn't. It was only a whisper, but Olivia couldn't help but cringe at her friend's words:

"I'm sorry."

* * *

 _ **Tam, tam, taaaam. So what's going to happen next? Will Alex finally open up to Olivia, or will she just continue running and hiding? And what is it she's hiding from in the first place?** _

_**Let me know what you think!**_


	11. Chapter 10

**A/N: Although most of your reviews addressed something along the lines of: "Come on, tell us what happened and stop teasing!", I'm afraid I'll have to keep doing that for at least another chapter. In my defense: It's not like I haven't been giving you guys any cues whatsoever... And the ones of you who read the A/N for chapter 5 know that my main goal is not to just throw some dramatic facts out there, but to depict and explain Alex's internal struggle, her feelings, fears and thoughts...**

 **Pain is subjective, so for some of you, the reason for what's going on might not be a reason at all. What matters, though, is that Alex is hurting. She's scared and ashamed. So let's give her a little more time until she's ready, okay? :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 10**

Why did Alex keep apologizing for reaching out to her? She had told her a million times that it was okay! Olivia sighed. Maybe it took a million-and-first time...

"Alex? Look at me. You didn't do anything wrong, you hear me? I'm glad you came here tonight. I'm here for you. I don't know what it is you're going through right now, but you're not alone. You don't _have to be_ alone."

Alex turned away, futilely trying to hide her tears. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Liv. I-I shouldn't have... I shouldn't... I-... " She choked out a hiccuped breath, and Olivia was worried she'd make herself sick if she kept breathing shallowly. "It's okay" She soothed gently. "There's nothing wrong with you. You're hurting, and you're reaching out for help. You don't have anything to be ashamed of"

"Don't say that!" Alex shuddered, her friend's words bringing back memories she wished she didn't have. _If only Olivia knew..._

"Why?" The detective asked gently, but Alex dismissed the question with a head-shaking. Hastily, she got up, headed towards the door. "I better leave. I'm sorry for-"

"Don't!" Alex froze, and Olivia briefly glanced over to the clock on her living room wall. 00:48 a.m. "Alex... I'm not comfortable letting you leave like this. It's late and it's cold outside. And... you're upset." She paused for a second. "Why don't you sleep here tonight? Please!"

Their eyes finally met, and Olivia couldn't help but associate the look on Alex's face with a deer caught in the headlights. The brief flash of panic in her friend's eyes broke her heart.

"I'm not going to let you run away again, Alex. You don't have to talk to me if you're not ready, but please... no more running!" Alex gulped. "Oh—okay" She whispered resignedly, immediately lowering her gaze.

"I don't have a spare room, though, but I'll take the couch. Let me just change the sheets in my bedroom for you, ok?" Alex vigorously shook her head.

"I can't"  
"Why not?"

Alex dismissed her friend's question with yet another head-shaking.

"Alex?"  
"I can't" The blonde repeated. "I... I can sleep on the couch. I'm okay"

Olivia bit her lip, eventually deciding not to push it. "Okay. Let me grab you a blanket and some sweats to sleep in" She declared casually and ran off to her bedroom, hoping Alex wouldn't take advantage of her absence and run.

When Olivia came back, she indeed couldn't see the blonde, and a loud sigh escaped her throat. That was when she heard someone move, and she was surprised to find Alex was kneeling in front of the couch. It took Oliva a few seconds to realize she'd been looking under it. Alex jumped to her feet and avoided her friend's gaze, clearly embarrassed. "I... I was just... I..."

"It's okay, Alex" Olivia hesitated, unsure whether she should call her on what she had just witnessed. She looked down at the blankets and clothes she was holding and eventually dropped the pile on the couch. "There's a spare toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet and I've laid some towels out for you. Why don't you just go change into something more comfortable? I'll be in my bedroom doing the same. If you need anything, just let me know, okay?"

Alex nodded shyly, grabbed the sweats Olivia had brought her, and ran off to the bathroom to change. She flinched when she saw her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, and smudgy traces of mascara had dried on her cheeks. God! She looked terrible! Absentmindedly, Alex grabbed a tissue to remove the remains of her make-up, then washed her face several times just to kill time.

When she finally emerged the bathroom, Liv was already sitting on the couch, and Alex couldn't help but feel weak, inferior, pathetic compared to the other woman. Although Liv, too, had changed into her pyjamas, she still looked badass. Strong. Confident. And Alex hated it. This wasn't the precinct. This wasn't SVU. This was Olivia's living room. And then there was this look on her face. This _Everything-will-be-okay,-you-can-trust-me, I'm-not-going-to-hurt-you_ kind of look. Why couldn't she just drop this caring, pseudo-professional act? Why couldn't she just leave her alone?

"Stop treating me like I'm one of your victims, Liv!" Alex spat out angrily and gasped at Olivia's gentle response:  
"Are you sure you're not? Because what I'm seeing is telling a different story, Lex."


	12. Chapter 11

_**A/N: To the guest who left a review asking for longer chapters: Thank you for telling me this. I'll try to, but I can't promise anything. I'm too much of a perfectionist, I guess: I neither have the time nor the energy to write a 4.000 word chapter in one sitting, so I'd have to work on it for a while every other day or so, and I'm afraid it would take forever until I finally feel confident enough about it to post it, so I'd rather post 800 words a week (or even more frequently)... I hope you understand!**_

* * *

 **Chapter 11**

Alex was angry, or at least she was trying to be. How dare Olivia say something like that? How dare she insinuate she was a victim? She wasn't! Nothing had happened that would make her a victim! She had just been stupid. Therein lay the important difference: It was never the victims fault – she completely agreed with that. But what had happened to her had been her fault, ergo: she wasn't a victim. Easy as that. Except that it wasn't...

"You don't even know what you're talking about!" Alex spat out defensively, not prepared for Olivia's response. Her " _Then tell me_!" was oh so low, oh so gentle, and it hurt. It hurt because deep down, Alex knew that by now, Liv was worried sick about her. She knew she _was_ behaving like a victim. But that didn't mean she was one! She didn't even have the right to act the way she was acting. Nothing had happened. She was supposed to be fine!

"I promise it's not what you think, Liv! I wasn't... raped, and I'm not being abused" Alex started lowly, only repeating what she had already told her friend a few nights ago. "I was just stupid. And now I'm freaking out and I can't stop."

Olivia knew _something_ was wrong. Alex barely slept, barely ate, barely smiled. She had almost broken down in the precinct and only days later showed up on her doorstep crying. It wasn't nothing. It was so much more than nothing!

"Alex..."

"I can't tell you, Liv. Please..." Alex paused when she realized her voice was shaking.

"Why? Why do you think you can't tell me?"

"BECAUSE IT'S MY FAULT!"

They both seemed shocked by Alex's outburst. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again when she realized she didn't know what to say. Instead, she tried to look Alex in the eyes but failed because the blonde kept averting her gaze. "No matter what happened: If someone pressured your or hurt you or did something that scared you, it's not your fault!"

Alex snorted. "Right now, the only one pressuring and hurting and scaring me are _you_ , Liv!"

Olivia knew that was her cue to back off, but she couldn't. "Alex... From what I'm seeing here, you're in so much pain right now that it's tearing you apart. And maybe it's unfair of me to keep pushing you, but to be honest, I just don't know what to do anymore. When I let you control the situation or what we talk about, you keep giving me cues that I know you know I will interpret and link to each other. But once we're actually getting somewhere, you shut me out completely. I know you're scared, and I know this is not easy for you. And I'm trying to respect that. But sometimes I feel like _you're_ the one not respecting that! … so what are you scared of?"

Alex hesitated, and Olivia was genuinely surprised when she finally opened up:

"I'm scared of everything, Liv" Alex whispered. "One the one hand, I keep telling myself that this whole thing is not as dramatic as you probably think now. Like I have exaggerated it too much that – no matter what I say, you'll never believe that " _that's it_ ". And on the other hand, I'm just... overwhelmed because of everything I'm feeling. And sometimes I'm not sure whether I can handle it. But then I think of all these women whose cases I have prosecuted. Of what they have been through. And then I feel so ridiculous, because nothing really happened to me, but it still affects me so much. I just feel like I've completely lost control over myself - my feelings, my behavior, my mind, my... body. And that terrifies me, Liv. Deep down I know that what happened was more than "nothing". But it wasn't the _something_ that would justify feeling and acting the way I am right now."

"How _are you_ feeling?" Olivia asked gently, and Alex hesitated for a moment. Her answer broke Olivia's heart:"Violated. Lost. Broken. Damaged. Scared. Dirty. Humiliated. Pathetic."

The detective gasped involuntarily but didn't respond, encouraging Alex to continue.

"I let someone have sex with me. I didn't want it, but I didn't say no. That's it. End of story."

Olivia hesitated, sensing that there was more to it. Once again, she gave Alex the opportunity to elaborate on what she had just said, but this time, the blonde didn't. Well then...

"That's not nothing, Alex, but I doubt it's _the whole_ story!"

 _Fuck._

Alex bit her lip, trying to look anywhere but into her friend's eyes. Immediately noticing Alex's discomfort, Olivia intervened. "Thank you for trusting me with this, Alex. I know I've pushed you tonight, and I hope you know I didn't do it to hurt you!" She paused, subtly glancing towards the clock. 2:16. Oh boy... "Look... It's late, and I think you really need to get some rest. How can I make you feel safe enough to fall asleep, Alex?"

The blonde gulped. " _Leave the lights on. Let me look under the couch, the armchair, behind the curtains and each and every corner in the room. I cannot fall asleep if I'm in a corner with the wall to my left, because it gives me flashbacks of being trapped and smothered. I haven't slept in my own bed in months, I only sleep on my couch for a few hours every other night. Sometimes I sleep in the tiny little niche between my desk and the wall, or I just fall asleep while working and wake up with my head on some folders. When I'm in the shower, I tend to feel the urge to scrub my skin off, and then I hate myself for it because nothing actually happened and I don't have the right to feel this way. But I can't stop, and I can't breathe and I just feel so vulnerable and pathetic that I just want to scream. And when I do, I eventually start crying or shaking or both, because I haven't felt safe in over a year and I'm scared that's never going to change"_

Alex couldn't say any of that out aloud, though - Olivia would only think she was crazy. Weak. Pathetic. She couldn't tell her. Couldn't ever let her find out _the whole truth_.

… but she was so tired! She hadn't slept in almost two days, and it was taking a toll on her. She knew she needed to sleep, and she knew that wasn't going to happen – not if she was all alone in Olivia's living room – alone with her feelings and fears and thoughts and memories. Alex sighed and involuntarily tightened the blanket around her. Before she had realized she was saying something, the words were out already, and Alex hated how needy and vulnerable she sounded:

"Don't leave!"

* * *

 _ **I got really excited when I cracked the 50-reviews-mark with this story (and for the first time ever on this website). Do you guys think we can make it to 100? :)**_


	13. Chapter 12

**A/N: Thank you so much for your amazing reviews! I know it's a fairly short chapter, but I'm halfway through chapter 13 already, so don't be mad :)**

* * *

 **Chapter 12**

Alex awoke with someone pressed against her back. It was still dark outside, and she didn't know where she was. _Oh god!_ Someone's hand was on her hip, and she could feel a pelvis pushed against her behind.

 _No! No, no, no, no, no!_

 _She couldn't._

 _Please don't, please don't. I can't!_

 _Memories flooded her mind – memories she wished she didn't have._

 _Memories of_ something else _pressed against her._

 _Expectations. Shame. Utter panic._

Alex jerked away violently, and that was when Olivia, too, woke up. In the haze of sleep, she was barely aware of her hand on Alex's hip, the feeling of the blonde's back pressed against her chest, or her hair tingling against her face. What she did notice immediately, though, were the violent sobs cursing through Alex's body.

 _Oh god! I did this_. Olivia thought. _I scared her so much she's trembling like a leaf!_ For how long had Alex been lying there, frozen with fear, terrified by her touch? Olivia hastily withdrew her hand from Alex's hip. _I didn't have any right to touch her like this!_ The mere thought of having violated a woman made Olivia nauseous.

How could this have happened? She had fallen asleep leaned against the backrest of the couch. How could she have ended up spooning Alex from behind? She obviously didn't want this! Hastily, Olivia switched on the lamp on the couch table beside her, illuminating the room in a dim haze. Alex blinked against the unexpected brightness, a flicker of confusion washing over her face when she recognized her surroundings and the woman beside her.

Olivia? Now she remembered. She was at Liv's place where she had showed up crying after the courthouse incident. They had fallen asleep on the couch. She was safe – Olivia would never touch her like that, would never do something Alex didn't want.

"Liv? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle like that. I... I didn't react _that way_ because of you. You know that, right?"

Olivia sighed. Did she? What if some dark and twisted part of her mind had actively taken advantage of Alex's vulnerability? What if she had laid down behind her on purpose? What if that hand on her friend's hip had been placed there semi-consciously? What if her mother's rapist's malicious genes had affected her after all? Olivia bit the inside of her lip, averting her gaze.

She wasn't like her father – would never be like her father.  
Right?

"I know you're not him" Alex continued, and Olivia was so lost in her own thoughts and fears that she missed the opportunity to ask who _he_ was, assuming Alex was talking about Olivia's father. When Olivia felt a soft and gentle hand being placed over her own, she looked up. Alex, too, had tears in her eyes, still fighting the flood of memories. Each of them busy fighting their own demons, neither Alex nor Olivia spoke.

"I wasn't expecting being touched like that. From... from behind." Alex explained after a while. "That's why I jerked away. It wasn't your fault."

Olivia tried to suppress her worries and fears. This wasn't about her. It was about Alex. About _her_ pain, _her_ demons. "I'm really sorry! I'd never touch you, Alex! You know that, right?"

Alex gasped, hastily withdrawing the hand she had before placed on Olivia's, desperately trying to rationalize how much her friend's comment had hurt her.

 _Of course she wouldn't touch me. Why should she? I'm disgusting anyways._

Alex fled the scene with a shaky "I need to use the bathroom", not managing to hide the tears dwelling up in her eyes. When she came back, the living room was empty and the door to Olivia's bedroom closed. Was this her hint to leave? Alex glanced at the clock. 4:38 a.m. on a Saturday morning. She didn't have anywhere to be, and admittedly, she didn't have anywhere to go, either.

So Alex stumbled towards the couch, plopped down, wrapped the blanket around her shaking body and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

 **Oh boy... What the hell just happened, and - more importantly - how can our two girls fix it? R &R to find out!**


	14. Chapter 13

**A/N: Lucky no. 13! As promised: I'll fix this...**

* * *

 **Chapter 13**

"You're still here."

Alex froze, accidentally dropping the shoe she had just picked up off the floor. Olivia was awake. Had woken up before Alex had managed to sneak out. _Shit._

"I... I'm leaving."

"Please don't."

 _What?_

"Don't leave. Please." Olivia sighed, desperately trying to bring up the courage to look her friend in the eyes. "Alex... Do you still feel safe with me after... what happened last night?" The blonde was caught off guard by Olivia's question.

"What?"

"You heard me."

Silence.

Thoughts racing through Alex's head. _That_ wasn't the problem!

"You ran, Alex. Again. Pushed me away. Again. And I know this time, it was my fault. But I need to know whether there's a way to fix this."

"I ran? _I?_ When I came back from the bathroom, _you_ were gone. _You_ had closed your bedroom door. _You_ had shut me out! I didn't even know whether I was allowed to stay here for the night, but I didn't know where to go and I..."

Realization dawned on Olivia's face. "Oh god. I'm so sorry, Alex! I thought your _bathroom break_ was your way of telling me _you_ wanted to be alone!"

Alex shook her head. "I didn't." She confessed. "I didn't want to be alone. That was why I came here last night. But I guess I shouldn't have..."

Olivia sighed.

"Why do you think that?"

"Because of you!"

The detective's eyes widened. "What?"

"Because of what you said last night!"

Olivia looked genuinely confused now. "I _never_ said I didn't want you here!"

"... you didn't _explicitly_ say it, but..."

"... but what?"

Alex gulped. Why was Olivia even asking these questions? She'd been here herself! She should know! "You said you'd never touch me" Alex whispered, hurt clouding her eyes.

 _What?_

"Last night, before we fell asleep, I told you I was feeling dirty. Disgusting. I let you in, Liv! But then you said you'd never touch me, and I knew I was right."

 _Oh god._

"No, no, no, no, no! I didn't mean it like _that_!"

"Yes, you did!"

Olivia vehemently shook her head. "Please hear me out! What I meant was that I'd never touch you against your will. That I'd never force you. Never _hurt_ you. Because from the way you reacted to my touching you when we were asleep, I figured you didn't _want to be_ touched. I never meant to confirm all these horrible things you think about yourself! All I wanted to do is show you that no one has the right to violate you in any way. That it's _your_ body, and that _you're_ the only one who gets to decide what happens to it. You're _not_ dirty, Lex. No matter what happened. No matter what _you_ did or what _he_ did. There's nothing wrong with you!"

Alex didn't respond, so Olivia continued: "I'm so sorry about last night. I'm sorry for what I did and said. I swear I didn't mean to push you away!"

The blonde bit her lip, still visibly conflicted.

"The question I asked you earlier..." Olivia started. "...your answer is really important to me, so I'm gonna ask it again: Do you still feel safe with me after what happened last night?"

Relief washed over Olivia's face when Alex nodded. There was so much more she could have said, so much more she could have revealed, but she was afraid she was going to ruin the moment, so Alex limited herself to a simple "I do, Liv."

Olivia paused. "Okay" She eventually continued. "Earlier, you said you didn't know where else to go."Alex frowned and eventually, she nodded slightly, so Olivia continued: "Do you feel safer here than in your own apartment?"

Alex froze, completely caught off guard by Olivia's question. She hesitated for a brief moment, before she nodded shamefully and mumbled a barely audible "Yes", avoiding the brunette's gaze and the questions she feared would come – questions she just wasn't ready to answer. But they didn't come. Instead, Olivia just gave her a half-encouraging, half-sad smile.

"Okay", she finally said, "Then stay" - as if it were as simple as that.


	15. Chapter 14

_**A/N: I know it's been forever, and I sincerely apologize for the delay! I spent the past couple of weeks catching up with the very latest seasons and episodes of SVU and got caught up in the whole Amanda thing, writing oneshot after oneshot about her gambling problem and about what happened in Atlanta. But these reviews on Shattered that I have gotten within the last few days, I started feeling really guilty about leaving you guys in the dark for so long, so well... this happened. I hope you like it! Let me know if you do - or why you don't! I'm intrigued to find out how you guys feel about the big bad revelation!**_

* * *

 **Chapter 14**

They spent the entire morning walking on eggshells around each other – ate breakfast in silence, then fought the usual battle of Liv carefully studying Alex's body language while Alex was trying her best to put her icy facade back up. "I'm gonna change into some day-off-clothes" Olivia eventually announced after they had put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. "I can lay some out for you if you want. Feel free to take a shower – help yourself with anything you need." Alex nodded gratefully and disappeared into the bathroom for longer than necessary while Liv changed her clothes and laid some sweats out for Alex to wear, putting them on a stool next to the bathroom door so Alex could grab them and get dressed.

When the blonde finally emerged the bathroom, she looked like a lost puppy: Her hair was still tousled and wet from the shower, and although she was a lot taller than Liv, she still looked tiny and somehow fragile in the oversized NYPD sweater she had borrowed.

„Alex? Am I okay to hug you?" Olivia's question caught her off guard, but she didn't want to deny Liv's request, sensing that the brunette needed this hug for her own sake. So she bravely nodded, trying not to stiffen when she felt Liv's arms around her. The problem wasn't that she was scared of her. Quite the contrary, actually: It was how _safe_ she felt in her friend's embrace – because it just wasn't right. She wasn't supposed to need anyone. And she clearly wasn't supposed to fantasize about this moment never ending or how Liv could help her feel safe again. So Alex eventually stiffened – more out of guilt than out of anything else – and Liv pulled back for all the wrong reasons.

She then guided Alex towards the couch, and the blonde gulped nervously. "I can see that you're in so much pain right now it must be unbearable" Liv finally started, and Alex tensed immediately when her friend continued: "From what I can tell, you don't see any way out. And that really scares me, Alex."

"You don't even know what you're talking about!"  
"Then tell me!"  
"I can't!"  
"Why not?"  
"I just don't want you to know, Liv. Please. I need to be able to look you in the eyes. I need to be able to tell myself that – from what you know – you're not repelled by me. And if you _knew_ , that would change"  
"If I knew what?" Olivia asked softly, and part of her expected Alex Alex to dismiss her question with yet another " _I can't tell you_ ". On the other hand, she knew that if she finally got an answer to her question, it would break her heart.

Thick silence hung in the air. She just couldn't tell her. It was too private. Too humiliating. Too sensitive a topic. Alex gulped, suppressing the urge to blurt it all out just to break the unbearable silence. But in the long run, it would do more harm than good. At least _that_ she knew. Because if she told Olivia the truth about what had happened – about what she had _done,_ what she'd _let him do,_ she would lose her. And despite the fact that she had spent all her energy during the past days to keep Liv at distance, she couldn't let that happen. Eventually, she was trying to keep Liv close by pushing her away, while simultaneously acting in a way that – for now – would make it impossible for Olivia to leave her alone.

Alex cringed at the irony and its sick aftertaste, then gulped guiltily. It wasn't like she was _actively_ leading Liv to believe she had been assaulted _or anything like that_. She'd never do that. Ever. But then there was this mean, little voice inside her head telling her that from the way she was acting around Liv, she was very well leading her to believe that without explicitly saying it. And that knowledge sickened her to her stomach. Because it was pathetic, and wrong, and just _despicable._ But what was the alternative? Telling her the truth (the whole truth, and nothing but the truth)? Certainly not!

Alex bit her lip, carefully trying to fake the confidence she didn't have when she looked Olivia in the eyes: "I know it's selfish and unfair, and I'm sorry. But I can't allow for _you_ to look at me the way I look at myself. And you would"

"What if I didn't?" Olivia offered, and when Alex's "You would." came back with such certainty and desperation in her voice, it broke Liv's heart. "Why don't you let me decide that?" She asked softly, and Alex averted her gaze, unable to maintain eye contact any longer.

"Nothing you could ever say would make me not care about you anymore!" Olivia promised gently, and Alex snorted. "That's nonsense." She grunted out, so low Liv barely heard it.  
"Huh?"  
"I said that was nonsense. If I told you that I had hurt anyone, especially the way you think _I_ was hurt by someone else, it would change everything. Don't pretend that's not true, Liv!"

Olivia frowned, hating to admit that the blonde was right. But eventually, it didn't matter, did it?

"Well, did you? Hurt anyone, I mean."  
Alex pressed her lips together, hesitating for a while before she finally shook her head. "No."  
"But you _were_ hurt, weren't you?"  
The blonde gulped. "Liv, please..."

Alex vigorously shook her head and Olivia sighed. "You keep pushing me away, Alex, and I don't understand why. Sometimes I feel like you trust me, and you let me in, and then you just shut me out again. Why?"

No response.

"If I'm wrong; if you do want to talk about it, but just not with me, then just tell me. I can handle that. What I cannot handle though is you trying to convince me that I don't care about you, because I do, Alex!"  
"Don't say that!"  
"Don't say what?"  
"That you... care about me. If you knew everything, y-you w-wouldn't" Alex was choking on her tears now, and it took mere seconds until she finally started crying. Liv just sat there, shocked and overwhelmed and scared out of her mind because of all the pain her friend was in. Once again, she denied Alex's assumptions as gently but firmly as she could: On the one hand, she didn't want _this_ to become an angry, childish battle for dominance, but on the other hand, she couldn't afford _not_ telling Alex it wasn't true. After days and days spent around her friend, her gentle reassurances felt so natural to Liv that she wasn't even sure whether she was actually saying them out aloud or just conveying everything with her eyes and the soft touch of her hand on Alex's arm.

And then suddenly, out of the blue, Alex spoke - her voice strong and shaky at the same time, a powerful comeback and a shameful confession all at once:

"I forced myself to let a man have sex with me to prove to myself that I could be straight so my mother would love me"

* * *

 _ **tamtamtaaaam. What do you think? And - even more importantly - where should I go from here?**_


End file.
